backpadding to square 1?

i know i should not backtrack on the progress i've made so far. sorry mark/jeff.. but the inevitable always happens to us, the emotionals. we relapse. let's just hope this is temporal and i'll scuttle past this hurdle fast enough.

as it is, i know you have fed me lies upon lies upon lies last semester. that's fine.... i'm learning to stomach and swallow that nonsense, pretending to be that dumb blonde who laps it all up and takes your twisted word for it. but since you have made it clear you despise me so much, why continue feeding me more lies? telling me you did not renew your driver's license when evidently in the mail, came the renewed license... what do you take me for? an imbecile? it's not like i enjoy asking you to help me, but come on, it is 7 freaking degrees in the pouring rain, i am in a polo tee and shorts 1 hour away from home, do you not have a conscience?

oh wait, what am i saying? it's you we're talking about. what conscience? does it even exist in your vocabulary? i guess not. i am struggling to comprehend this whole situation right now - why even bother lying to me when you hate me so much. you might as well tell it like it is "no, i don't want to pick you up." why beat around the mulberry bush for someone you don't have any basic respect for? i think its these fresh serve of lies i am just struggling to swallow - i want to suck it in and further my progress, but yet it's getting wedged in my throat.

i was listening to rihanna's good girl gone bad. if people knew me well enough, i'm not the most angelic of girls... but i know i've been good. but you've tainted that innocence i once had. i've become such a cynical, vengeful and wary girl. and that innocence once lost can never be regained.

but here is my personal vow, to myself and to the people who have faith in me. i will bounce back. stronger than before.