surf 'n' turf!

i never thought i'll say this but it seems like i am getting alot more viewership on this blog then i had anticipated. and to the latest viewer of the blog, terrance, hello you. like i have a choice you're reading this. do you know what it is? you are too kaypo for your own good. thats right. and i don't like that. because curiosity kills the puss.

that aside, things haven't been going too well @ uni. something i do not wish to rant and rave about. but lets just say that it's really NOT going well. sigh.

i have been seeing someone alot. someone of the past actually. unfortunately, its not jem. fortunately, its someone who is probably quite familiar to alot of you. maybe years ago, it wasn't the right time then but it seems like time has done us both heaps of good and we are getting alot more like-minded in terms of actions, speech, values and character. in hindsight, thats pretty scary hey. but boy, thanks for the dinner on wed. it was awesome.

he brought me to satisfy my steak craving, where i had surf'n'turf - steak with scallops and prawns in a brandy cream sauce. after which, we shared baci cake, tiramisu and a latte. now, that is awesomeness! *drool* i was a happy camper. and he looked so good that night. such a stark contrast to his scruffy jeans and tee. nevertheless, i'm liking it. =)

been thinking too much for my own good. i never knew i was able to attract a guy. but when i do, suddenly the prospect of dating someone scares me. which shouldn't be the case. if you guys know me well enough, i was born to be faithful and married at a tender age. hell, i wanted to get married when i was 18. call me naive, but it's been a childhood dream to just find that right person, not mucking around, get married and wake up to him for the right of my life. i simply couldn't ask for more. even then, it appears i demand too much.

life experiences have taught me to think twice, thrice. if possible, never contemplate it ever again. after all the bitterness has set in, i should just scrape that that idealism altogether.

now, love and marriage is overrated in my eyes.

devoid of emotion.

dear mum,

what upheaval there has been in our lives lately. the filthy little secrets come splashing out. the anger, the hurt, the shame, the betrayal.... how much pain we must feel. for you, you only know barely half my woes. do i want to share with you the trauma i've sucked in the past six months? no, because you will not be able to withstand the damage done to your daughter.

you asked me during my trip back to singapore "why are you so emotionless about everything that has happened?" i know that you know me - i was like you, an emotional. one who wears her emotions on her sleeve, cries when she needs to and vents her frustrations without holding back. mum, i've changed.

your precious daughter is now frozen rock solid. she wants to cry, kick up a fuss like a little princess would, with the unshed tears mounting within her, but yet she just stares with impassive eyes as she sucks in more shit thrown at her. her pain and suffering becomes buried under her layers of fat, unknown to everyone. she tells no one of her problems - what can they do? who can she trust? nothing changes in the end. the damage has been done.

mum, i wasn't like this before. i was bubbly and cheery. more importantly, i was sure of myself. i drank responsibly, i gave my best in every piece of assignment i did. then, why am i partying every weekend, submitting half-hearted papers i don't know fuckshit about, deferring exams and seeking special consideration?

honestly, i don't know either.

maybe my priorities have changed. or maybe i've just lost sight of what my priorities are. i'm tired.

i use to think it was curse to be emotionless. to not care, to not bother. while i continue suffering in silence, i quite like the cold person i have become.

all it takes is the person you love, respect and idolise the most in this world to let you down. big time.

with all my love,
your little rascal mousey, baby.

irresistable friday nights

the nurse uniform is too cute to leave it in the wardrobe!

the super adorable stand-in lead for the night. poor justin! we missed you.

having fun at the mustang! han got lucky 3 times!

everyone having a wicked time.. hehe, except mimi who looks a little worse for wear though.

to the point of no return - short story part 1

i spy with my beady little eyes, his large puppy dog eyes, urban cropped hair and clean jawline. oooooo.... and that cheeky impish grin, how can i resist? his high school uniform casually semi-tucked out, the crisp ironed shirt hanging perfectly from his broad shoulders. i can imagine running my hands gently gripping his hips and then gradually running it on his immaculately-formed abs. oh, what a fine specimen you are, i thought.

he caught me staring at him from a distance, while pretending to watch my friend, brandon, stuff his face with corndogs in feign interest. he furrowed his brows for a fleeting moment, before breaking into that lets-jump-in-bed cheeky grin. i felt the tips of my ears getting hot, and probably red too. i twiddled the hemp of my skirt nervously, glanced down at a piece of gum stuck on the pavement.

no, this is too rude. look up, rach!! shame on you, rach. there you are imagining God's gift to girls (and i definitely mean girls) and his blessed assets but the moment he smiles at you, you get all coy!

before i could look up, i felt a tap on my shoulder. i swung around clumsily, catching him squarely in his chest. oh God, what a way to start a possible relationship of physical intimacy. "hello" he mouthed. did i mention that he is much taller closer up than from my distant admiring? a good 5'11 i reckon. "hi there," i said with sudden great difficulty. "cat got your tongue?" he joked as a half-smile revealed the faint lines of developing crows feet. oh my goodness, have i ever mentioned that i am a sucker for males with crows feet? to me, those dimpled lines define the epitome of manliness.

"no, actually puss did" crap, did i really say that? thankfully, he threw his head back and chucked, pushing his hands deeper in his school pants pocket.

"i'm ryan, currently at christ church grammar school. what's yours?"

"rachel. and do you really think i am in high school?"

"st hilda's girls school?"

"ryan, my boy, i am in fourth year at UWA studying law and economics. i am 21." i studied his facial expression intensely. his cool hazelnut brown eyes bore into him. he didn't flinch. i did the math in my head - if he was a senior at christ church grammar, that makes him 16. fuck, thats illegal enough.

i can't have him. i just can't. but his lucious pink lips seem to mock me as i gaze at them contorting out "melodies of sweet sound".

he absentmindedly stuck out his right hand and caught a stray strand of my long fringe covering my face and tucked it behind my mickey mouse ears. "i'm in year ten", he said.

my mind spun out of control. that can't be it. he's 14. what are you thinking, rach? paedophilic tendencies are girlfriend jokes to the extent that you do not cross that fine line - that separates criminal paedophilics from the mere commonfolk that "just happen to be attracted to younger love interests".

it has to end right here. right now. or i will be hooked to him like i was once hooked unto nutella. a bottle a week just was not enough. i needed incrementally larger doses of nutella to satisfy my addiction as the weeks wore on. and honestly, between me and you, it is not difficult to be crave ryan. to yearn for him.

he is 14. i am 21. i refuse to let this spiral out of my control.

better late than never.

10 hours before my deferred exam, the panic sets in.

finally.

only to realise that....... i haven't done the last 3 ilectures and i have no idea what half the exam is about. like what i say "no idea", i mean no fucking idea whatsoever.

hansel, my math freak cousin, can't even save my sorry ass.

geez. what the hell is stochastic processes? brownian motion (which makes me think of some by-product of the shitting process)? ito lemma - ito process? or wiener process (rhymes with weener)? and lastly a drift?

and no, a drift is not "when u apply your brake to your car and try to slide to gain maximum speed out of a corner?" as aptly defined by hansel. that i can do, and crash in the process. but that's not the point.

someone shoot me. suddenly i feel so dumb. i am a fake cheena-pok wannabe who can't speak chinese. and now, i can't do econometrics to get my fucking economics degree. i feel useless.

i swear i am going to get ZERO.

what i went back for.

the silly court jester stole my title!

the royal family. this photo makes me smile!

gorgeous queenin and me!

my bro-in-law!!! muacks.

i spy with my little beady eyes.... some cute guy afar... i think?

i like this photo because i like the "looking up" effect. haha!

who is pointing at who?

the 2 chicks and ced's zhor dang act-cute action.

aren't they so sweet......

you have done so much for me, more than you'll ever know, bro.

acting macho i see, ced?

lub lub!

my ditsy lovable boy!

VMO "the little muscle" exercise

i didn't know what to title this post. it's such randomness again.

the one week term 'break' dropped in and left abruptly. well, such was my one week break back to singapore. a first for me to fly mid-semester. low key and unannounced, just how i like it.

it's always great to see my boys. i love them to bits.

and nothing beats spending time with mum. mum, i've got your back. some day when she learns how to use the comp, she will visit this blog site. yikes! and see my hardcore party pics. then again, she came to pick me up when i got drunk on sat.

she got me to do my hair as well. chopped it short and insisted i add red hair extensions because i am "young and should try new things before i become to old". fabutanbulistic! also no idea what word is this, just a 'rachel' word made up on the spot.

han's mum and sis took me out to dinner @ the hyatt. straits kitchen buffet..... they so want me to get fatter. and poor han, looks so tiny and frail in a size 4. bah. i stuffed my round chubby face till i couldn't walk. oops, just pretend you didn't read about me making a gluttony of myself.

oh yes. and how can i forget my newly acquired macbook and, er, 3rd hand mobile phone (a hand-me-down from my bro to my dad and then to me) - samsung i600. it's a fugly little piece of metal with a shitload of little protruding buttons. however, according to gerald, it's an expensive gadget with loads of functions i know nuts about. so i wonder why i am using it. but since i have no money to get a new mobile, which by the way is cheaper than this fugly gadget that retails @ $738, i will be grateful and make do with this. =)

i have been a naughty girl. i haven't been doing my physio. this is bad!

i have been a naughtier girl. at PLAY. and i am sorry to the boy whom i got hot with. damn, oy, you dance hot and you know we were good. while it was good fun, it was wrong. anyhow. all of us had abit too much to drink. then again, abit is an understatement. let the memory burn.

dear God, don't make me shit tonight, we run out of toilet paper. i didn't realise until 15mins ago.

nurse fashionista!

my 6 seconds worth of fame on the cheekymonkey's photosite! how wicked!

hello nurse! the last installment.

bought the cutest little nurse outfit but unfortunately. none of the photos captures the bottom part. it is barely ass covering with a hot red hipster belt. and with that, nurse feel good is in the house!

ooooh, look who i got into trouble with! two policewomen! heh.

mimi and i cam-whoring. as usual.

omg. i think the guy in black is the hottest thing ever. like seriously. YUMMAY!

they love my outfit! so do i!

they like omg-so-cute!! emma, the chick next to mimi just turned 21! welcome to adulthood! (yeah right)

once again, i think the dude on the left in the dark blue jumper is heaps adorable. got this boy-boy look. (and yes, i got smashed)

the sexy bassist who took the lead vocals for a song. he has this knack for doing sexy poses, like this one.

the lead singer of the cheekymonkeys, justin! i serious think he is the beez neez!

i had so much fun. unfortunately, the fun is always tainted by ah nehs. but what to do? can't shake them off. this will be the last installment of my recent clubbing binge. it's got to stop. it's great fun but there is more to life than this. going out every weekend was just a facade, a cover-up for the shit at home. temporal ignorance is bliss, what can i say. but i know its high time to suck it up to his black face.

i love my lil nurses outfit. sorry, the photos seriously did not do it any justice. i shld post a photo of it up soon. and perhaps bring it back to singapore to have a lil feel-good fun with it! ha. if i have the balls to pull it off in conservative little singapore (no pun intended).