devoid of emotion.

dear mum,

what upheaval there has been in our lives lately. the filthy little secrets come splashing out. the anger, the hurt, the shame, the betrayal.... how much pain we must feel. for you, you only know barely half my woes. do i want to share with you the trauma i've sucked in the past six months? no, because you will not be able to withstand the damage done to your daughter.

you asked me during my trip back to singapore "why are you so emotionless about everything that has happened?" i know that you know me - i was like you, an emotional. one who wears her emotions on her sleeve, cries when she needs to and vents her frustrations without holding back. mum, i've changed.

your precious daughter is now frozen rock solid. she wants to cry, kick up a fuss like a little princess would, with the unshed tears mounting within her, but yet she just stares with impassive eyes as she sucks in more shit thrown at her. her pain and suffering becomes buried under her layers of fat, unknown to everyone. she tells no one of her problems - what can they do? who can she trust? nothing changes in the end. the damage has been done.

mum, i wasn't like this before. i was bubbly and cheery. more importantly, i was sure of myself. i drank responsibly, i gave my best in every piece of assignment i did. then, why am i partying every weekend, submitting half-hearted papers i don't know fuckshit about, deferring exams and seeking special consideration?

honestly, i don't know either.

maybe my priorities have changed. or maybe i've just lost sight of what my priorities are. i'm tired.

i use to think it was curse to be emotionless. to not care, to not bother. while i continue suffering in silence, i quite like the cold person i have become.

all it takes is the person you love, respect and idolise the most in this world to let you down. big time.

with all my love,
your little rascal mousey, baby.