tra.la.la.la.la.

the latest subject of interest is attached. might as well find out now, than never/later.

this proves my theory/hypothesis once again. in the vaguest terms,

• guys that are hot, i am interested in, that i get along with = gay; OR
• guys that are hot, i am interested in, that i get along with = straight but taken
• guys that are hot, not interested in, that i don't get along with = straight and not taken
• guys that are not hot, i'm not interested in = straight and interested in me

sigh. latest subject of interest falls into category 2. at least, this promises me he is probably a pretty damn nice guy. i feel a pang of sadness but i suppose i'm not exactly gutted either.

and so the story goes on... ...

you name it!

i couldn't decide on an appropriate title for this post. but boy! what a brilliant weekend it was. my dad's uni friend, an uncle choo and his family are here in perth. their older daughter, charlotte, is starting uni @ murdoch uni and i played host to them for the entire weekend. been treated to some hardcore, non-stop pigging out while i nagivated them around to some awesome touristy spots - mandurah, macademia nut factory, hillarys boat harbour, freo and northbridge.

forgetful lil me kept forgetting to bring my camo to snap some postcard-worthy scenary. but damn, it was lovely. i have been stuffing my face with food, not to mention. it's terrible. but nevertheless, brilliant. in addition, introduced uncle choo to some local brew here, beez neez. fragant, smooth and fresh from the tap. i am so pleased with myself. i bonded well with the uncles over beer and car talk. like some people reckon, i am more of a bloke's chick and then a chick's gal.

i didn't get any work done over the weekend as a result. :( time to buck up for a week of slogging. if all goes well, i will be seeing the choo family this weekend before the choo parents fly off and back to singapore. more food!!

anyways, the dude you see below is growing on me. =)

=)

caro, go dissect! the older one hor. (though the younger one heaps cuter. haha.)

what is my potential?

ok, so this is just the first week of uni. and i have crappy timetables. in order to minimise the fugliness of my timetable, i decided to pay my money,banking and the financial markets lecturer a lil visit, in order to try and slot myself into my desired tutorial slot. he's kinda like this huge guy, with a very odd accent (i suspect he's german or something) and i was just hopping to just nip into his office and nip out all in 2 minutes.

i ended up staying in his office for 30minutes. here is the defining bit of the convo:

_______________
me: hey dr weber.. i was just wondering if i can change my tutorial timing from thursday 2pm to wednesday 11am because i am overloading and it's hard to arrange my timetable to fit both the law and economics faculty.

dr weber (takes one long hard look at me): vhy do you vant to overload? overloading usually means lower grades because u vot less time for each subject. law and economics iz a good combination, i see in you the potential to do honours in economics. and you should focus on vorking to getting honours.
_______________

like omg, have i ever thought about pursuing an honours in economics? hell no. firstly, my grades aren't outstanding enough to make me a potential candidate for such an offer. and, even if i could qualify for honours, i don't wish to add another year of slavery to what is already a 6 year suicide hellride. lastly, i don't have such great ambitions that most people have. really.

somewhere along the exchange between dr weber and i, he said to me that he usually do not recommend honours to any random student unless he sense competency and ability in the student. so... this means, he THINKS i am capable of being that high-achiever he envisages working in top executive positions in banks. and this opinion was formed.... just by him noticing me in our first lecture and that 1 minute when i walked into his consultation room.

now, this gets me thinking. do i exlude that air of confidence, competency to the people around me such that they recognise some hidden potential in me that i don't even know exist? honestly, i have always said, people give me too much credit than what i rightfully deserve. i am just a normal chick slogging away at a bloody tough course because i didn't know better. i am not some genius nor bookworm.

but yet, could it be that i am possibly underestimating myself? i don't know.. see, potential is a funny thing. alot of times, its hard for someone to accurately assess how much potential he/she has, despite the fact that everyone knows themselves best, their limitations, strengths and weaknesses. often enough, the people i have come across either overestimate their potential, bite off more than they can chew or swallow, OR they think they are just liabilities to society. therefore, it takes an objective outsider to recognise the inner capability in you. it's almost like when we were in primary/secondary school, teachers often write in my report card (known as progress card in australia) "rachel is a meticulous, hardworking girl with a lot of potential to succeed in the future." what is this based on? my grades in school? how i behave in school? i suppose its their observations that lead them to such conclusions.

i sound like i am contradicting myself. while i am critical of people assessing their own potential, yet i don't really welcome people assessing mine. maybe i just have enough on my plate right now to really think i have the capacity to stomach "bigger and better" things that may be possibly offered to me.

this incident reminds me of another time when i was at high school some years back. we were have a senior year talk by our principle and he was talking about the importance of assuming leadership roles, this was in line with elections for our student council in which i eventually was a member of. my principle started giving examples, he pointed to our student council president, mark, and said "look at mark, he is eloquent and charming... a future hot-shot lawyer in the making. and max, our star in our annual drama....." after that, my principle droned on about how each student should maximise their potential, both academically and non-academically, such as to achieve success in the future.

suddenly, his loud voice boomed "rachel, will you stand up for me please?" like omg. someone just dig a hole for me to hide my head. i thought he had caught me texting under the chair. ok, i am the only rachel in this cohort, dammit, it is me he wants. grudgingly, i stood out. "now.... rachel has been actively involved in her TAG group (class), been on the honour roll and has held leadership roles in her previous schools. she is harnessing her potential and pushing it to new limits. and i believe she may very well go on to be the first female prime minister of Australia."

i gagged. like, seriously. in front of my whole senior cohort. its like, what do you expect me to say?? i didn't know whether to be flattered or just embarrassed. i just parked my ass back down on the chair and buried myself in my jumper. first female prime minister of australia? like what the fuck. firstly, i ain't australian, it isn't even remotely plausible. next, i am in no way eloquent/charismatic and i am definitely not arrogant enough to boast about the great things i have done or intend to do for the greater good of the country. hell no.

enough rambling. drawing back to establishing my agenda for this post, i have all these people, educators as i call them, who all see something in me that i can't quite recognise, from primary school all the way to university. i am hesitant to acknowledge this elusive 'potential' because it seems like every step of the way, i am already thinking that i am bitting off more than i can swallow and am struggling. so any greater ambitions, to me, is like xiaxue making it to hollywood - i.e. impossible and utterly ridiculous.

perhaps if i really did decide to quit school and become a bummer, i would be severely wasting some of the capabilities i have been blessed with - so a wake up call by anyone wld have been good. but honestly, i don't think i am doing too badly now and to me, this is maximising my recognised potential. to ask anymore from me, is like asking me to drop 8kg - nice thought of the outcome if successful, but not going to happen.

i won't say i am happy being the current slave maniac, but i think i am doing fairly decent in hanging on.

"you've been such a good girl."

ok.... so i am an avid fan of House, this medical tv series which i follow religiously every wednesday at 8.30pm. all the routine medical procedures... never quite seem that daunting to me, other than for those oh-so-cool neurosurgeries that's kind of fascinating to watch on tv, but not quite so if you are the drillee (the one being drilled in the head).

so like, when i think of mri scans, i think about dr chaste/foreman/cameron telling the patient to hold very still while they go into this tube-like thing for what appears to be mere seconds. big deal, i thought, when my consultant, a dr hewitt, scheduled me for one. i rocked up to charlies (sir charles gardner hospital) @ 7.15a.m, 15 minutes early for my "phototaking" appointment. however, after changing into every fashionista's dream outfit, the shapeless faded hospital pjs... i had 2nd thoughts about this whole mri thing. the nurse instructed me to lie on this bed, very very still. she informed me that my whole self (and not just the knee, which i'd originally thought) was going to go into the mri machine for 30 minutes. and when i lay down on the mri bed, i realised this tunnel this was really really narrow. i started to freak. big time.

for those who don't know, i am severely claustrophobic. i think my housemate is the only one who has witnessed firsthand me reacting to such a fear before. he had bundled me in his quilt with no outlet to breathe or move. i went berserk, screaming, yelling, punching him to let me go. i was dizzy with fear. and having to go into the mri machine..... reignited that fear. my heart was pulpitating really fast/hard as i struggled to gasp for air. and this, mind you, wasn't even with me in the machine yet.

the nurse gave me this buzzer thing to squeeze to inform her to stop, should i not want to continue with the procedure. this is because, when i am in the machine, it makes these fairly loud banging noises and she wouldn't be able to hear me even if i yelled. i was also provided headphones to listen to enya to partially shut off the noise. i was terrified. she tried her best to get me comfortable, because i am suppose to hold "very very still" for 30minutes.

after much fretting, i sucked it in and told her i was ready. ok, like who was i trying to kid. anyone could see i was about to cry. anyways, i tried shutting my eyes. but i guess the fear of being in a very narrow tubular thing with the ceiling of the machine centimetres away from my face was overwhelming. while the nurse consoled me by saying "aren't you lucky you're tiny? most of my patients are much bigger than you! imagine what space they will have inside?" still..... i didn't think it was much consolation.

the banging noises started. i got more than petrified. the more i tried to keep "very very still", the more i started to tremble, with fear. my whole body, including the scanned knee in question, started shaking. in my mind, i was screaming "be still! i don't wanna do this again..." but this wa really a situation of body over mind. since i could move my arms, i started to support myself on the sides of the mri machine, hopping it will stablise my body. it didn't work. i was close to being hysterical. but i kept telling myself "rach, got to be a big girl. suck it in. like you are trying to suck everything else in..."

finally. after 30 minutes of banging noises, the machine stopped and the nurse finally uttered those long awaited words "it's over". i have never felt as much relief as this in a very long time... not even when it was my final day of exams or on the day my exam results were released. as the machine spat me out, the nurse saw the fear on my face, my beady eyes wide open in shock.... i was still trembling. while i was triumphant that i managed to see through this seemingly small procedure, i still felt like a small girl at the end of the day. and i don't know why. maybe i have this image of little me.... aged 3, holding my mum's skirt hiding from everyone, fearful of strangers and anything really. it was that child-like fear and panic that surfaced today.

and then the nurse turned and said to me "it's all done. you have been such a good girl."

when my time on earth is up, i would like to know that after all that had been said and done, i had run the race and kept the faith. and that i had been a good girl.

back to the drawing board.

before the drawing board was invented, i wonder what did people go back to... mmmm.

anyways. as the title suggests, it's almost like history repeating itself. jem and i wore identical colours today again, a creamy-beige top. if you remember the older posts from the previous blog, he and i had this uncanny habit of rocking up in the same colours, be it to uni or church. and now... its happening again.

in addition, tomorrow is the start of the dreaded semester.... thus, the onslaught begins once again. it's my 4th year 2nd semester at uni. i'm what people call a lao jiao. wait, does lao jiao mean old banana? i got no banana. the reid library cafe aunties know me, the tavern girls know me, the bookshop boys know me, the law librarians know me.... yet, i'm a virtual unknown with students. my timetable for this semester bloody sucks. i have 2 actually. yes! 2 timetables. one for the odd weeks, and one for the even. it's disgusting. oh well, what can i expect, it's 4th year.

oh yes, i am doing this project called the 40 hour famine. for a greedy foodie like me, this is HUGE. it is where i abstain from food for 40 hours sometime in mid august to raise funds for the underprivileged kids around the world, such as laos. i aim to raise $250 and more! any donors? please sponsor... this is for a good cause. i'll try to arrange the transaction for you.

mexican!

been so exhausted lately - ended up sleeping till 2pm today. that's a good 11-12 hours worth of shuteye. i figured that i have been eating and sleeping too much, on the fast track to weight gain... so decided to go for walkies along matilda bayy, and get some fresh air. being cooped up in the room isn't the healthiest thing.

at 6ish, i headed out to dinner with minh, dons, louis, monique and tina. we went to this mexican diners @ freo, which served american-sized mains. i almost died from 5 tortilla wraps + spiced rice, coupled with a mexican punch. i swear my dress was about to bust at the seams. mexican food is really good, if you appreciate the burritos, chilli con carne and stuff. but it was alright for me. the portions are a health hazard though. i ended up waddling out..... and into amano's (they sell gelato)! oh my goodness.... just when i think i couldn't take anymore in, i had milk+cookies gelato. bloody good but massive overeating.

this, by the way, is the latest prospect that minh, dons and tina are trying to hook me up with:


feedback please!

a can of worms opened.

everyone knows i have an uncanny affinity towards the name 'mark' - most of them are boys who have close relationship ties with me. never have i met a 'mark' that is as obnoxious, egotistical and chauvinistic as the one in my church.

if you don't know me, don't you judge me, especially if the basis on which you are attacking me is because you had a bad run with females. before you start critisizing the females who have never bothered about you, stop to think why you're 26, single and vengeful about women. firstly, you're not good looking. next, you think you're smart, but really, you aren't. lastly, you have zero charm. zilch. and... before i rest my case, you have the worst dress sense (see the 'friend test').

as a result, i was forced to admit stuff i was never ready to share with anyone, to minh and dons. it was tough. bloody tough. essentially, i have opened a can of worms. as much as i wanted to retract the stuff i said, i couldn't. i had been bottling it inside for all too long. even cling wrap won't be able to seal the damage done. but i have the best cell leaders. and for that, i am grateful/appreciative. beyond words. ended up reaching home around 2am and going to bed with a raging headache and a temperature. by 3am, i was barfing. i wasn't well.

i still nevertheless managed to accompany terry to the orthodontics clinic to get his braces straightened out at 8 ish in the morning. this was followed by breakfast, sorting out his uni enrolment and going to the city for a while. i subsequently spent the rest of the day at home, lying in bed, cooking and watching tv. somehow, i don't feel like talking much.

lastly, as a sidenote, you might wanna find out your sex appeal through this test: www.yoursexappeal.com/test.php?test=871792 .

my 21st photographs

after all that has been said and done, here are the much owed (and coverted) photos of that special night, CHOCOLATE, 7th july 2007.

the most awesome muffin-cake, baked by the gal besties.

the pre-birthday set up.

my 3 muskcat-eers.

mummy and i. what a rare photo!

korkor's famous angelina jolie lips.

15 years and counting. wow!

re united after our 7 year separation.

identity crisis... isaac, the new rach?

the photo i have been waiting for, which completed my day as well.

gosh, i just love them to bits. xing, the gal bestie and the sweetest chick i'll ever find, caro.

my family.

male testosterone running high!

everyone looking so pretty.

my 2 brothers attempting to cut through the rock solid ice cream cake.

the bro and brother-in-law looking so cute!

the clique which keeps me grounded.

the court jester, prince, princess and the duchess. haha!

queuing up outside PLAY.

the set up..... 1 waterfall coming up!

oh shucks! i burnt my hair! but nevermind..... one more flaming labo (courtesy of kor) to down. omg.

with that, rach down, and out.

blogger, the little bitch.

i have been searching for a new blogskin for the past 3 weeks, but the revamped blogger has been a lil bitch in telling me that every single skin i've found has some coding problem - which means i cannot use the template for my blog.

given my endless free time since my birthday until now, i have been spending hours on end searching for one.... so imagine the number of skins i've gone though! got so pekchek until i just decided to edit whatever pathetic fugly template they offer me. can't be helped. beggars cannot be choosers.

damn, i hate being html illiterate.

the ghost of forgotten happiness knocks on my door

yesterday was suppose to be a low key day. but it wrapped up on a high note. i had unexpected msg on msn in the morning. it went something like this:

jem: morning! are you free today?
me: heyy, yeah.
jem: free as in... i can call you and ask to meet you in 30 minutes?
me: wei, i don't drive you know..... but i am free, in that sense
jem: haha. ok. i'll pick you up at 7. wear nicely.

that sealed the date. i practically pranced around my room. a date! i haven't been on a date for..... months. the last date being with the man himself, ummm, last year.

i reminised. yesterday and now, as i am typing this. a sad smile threatening to break the corners of my mouth. the first date we went on.... he scrubbed up so well. hair nicely gelled up, a crisp white patterned shirt, black trousers and a faint trace of perfume lingering. we took a stroll to my favourite hangout, the moon. it was the first time he was going to listen to the jazz band. a few bottles of little creatures pale ale, rounds of long island tea, we were just chilling to the band, enjoying the live music and each other's company, my arm slung casually over his. we took an equally leisurely stroll back to my apartment, stopping to view designer lounge chairs as he hugged me from behind.

pure innocent vestal happiness. the security he offered me. where did we go wrong?

i lost him.

as excitement got to the better of me, i started to think: omg, what am i going to wear? what does 'wear nicely' mean? is a cocktail dress presentable enough? where are we going? i was a nervous wreck. finally decided on the black tuxedo cocktail dress that i wore to norm's wedding. been saving the MAC eyeliner xing/caro got for my birthday - this is the right occasion.

less for his unruly hair, jem looked every bit sharp, just like how i remembered him to be on our dates, the last being carnegies. for a moment, he made me think he was bringing me to chutney marys. hell no! indian food... i think i will spew from all the curries, chick pea dhal and what nots.

but he outdid himself this time. he brought me to the multiple award-winning witch's cauldron, a place that i have been dying to go to for years... but its too attas for a poor uni student like me. i must have brought it up to him on one of our lunches at subiaco last year. he remembered. and had made a reservation for two for the both of us last night.

the restaraurant is alot bigger than what i'd thought. it extends deep within and upstairs. and we had a very romantic personal booth allocated to us. we both shared an appetiser and entree - the hors d'oeuvre and the WC's speciality, garlic prawns. to all your prawn lovers out there, you know nuts about world-class prawns until you have been to the witch's cauldron. we were in bliss land.

this was followed by our mains - jem ordered the dhufish joinville while i had the eye fillet with bernasse sauce, cook to perfection. we also had glasses of reds to accompany our mains. the ambience, food, company and conversation was just so surreal, progressed in perfection, just like a dream, beyond description.

jem dropped me off at 11pm and we bid a sad farewell. i won't be seeing him much this semester - he is only in uni on mondays and fridays. and he may possibly be moving to canberra at the end of the year, if he gets a job with the australian intelligence security agency (or something like that).

this is the sad reality... he very well could have been the right guy. but the right guy at the wrong time is still the wrong guy. this is the painful, cruel reality.

jem, the boy i loved when it wasn't the right time for us both to love.

tried to pick up the pieces today. a quiet day in. washed my bedsheets, duvet cover and duvet. sorted out my uni timetable which looks like shit. and cooked dinner for housie and i.

i am suffering withdrawal symptoms, from the garlic prawns.

more importantly, from jem.

the ghost of long-forgotten happiness knocked at my door and left as abruptly as it came by.

love me or hate me!

Create your own Friend Test here

the lazy weekend.

taking this whole week of doing almost nothing as an uber long weekend, before the horror of semesters begin.

if i thought 4th year semester 1 was hell, 4th year semester 2 shall be the hell of hells. i had the idiot-proof asian business to offset my overloads. but this time round, i have no security blanket to fall back on. i will be doing constitutional law II, administrative law II, evidence law, corporate insolvency (law) and lastly money,banking and the financial markets. all bloody hardcore units. so before i start digging into the hellhole once again, i need this extended "long weekend".

saturday was initially planned to be rather low key, but it turned out to be quite fun. popped over at uncle victor's house for BBQ party (i met him on the plane the night before and he invited me over). there, i gorged myself with 20+ sticks of satay, curry chicken and sayah lodeh. played cards games with a few kids in attendance... poker, blackjack, indian poker, dai dee, billionaire and pictionary. it was fucking hilarious and fun. i swallowed so much air that i had tummy ache that night. i think bryan is kind of cute *blush* but damn, he is only 17. tsk rach.. in addition, i met up with tina, minh and dons for coffee @ the moons. my favourate hangout in perth. it's been 4 months since i last saw minh and dons, since i disappeared from church... it was really good catching up with them.

sunday was equally low key. hid in my room. maccas and potato spuds for dinner (lovingly made by tina) - but too much potato makes rachie a fattie. this was followed by more nua-ing in my room.

today was errand day. went to bank in my cheque - which consists of my rental monies, school fees and living expenses. ending up shopping in the city. they are having massive clearance sales. i didn't get much because they didn't have my size. i tried to play hero and wore a polo out when it was only 18 deg. in the end, i got a striped babydoll knitted cardi for $30, reduced from $70. i look like a jailbird now, but its so comfy and shapeless (makes me look fatter but hides the spare tyres). on the way to the city, i was listening to the clubmix bro specially did for my 21st - rihanna's umbrella came on. as some of you would know, i use to find umbrella bloody annoying, and i can still remember telling junior that at my birthday dinner.

but the song jolted a not-too-distant memory of me being pissed drunk @ PLAY on my birthday, where drunken molestation of ben took place. i remember him and i on the dance floor as we are moving in unison to it. i was frantically groping him all over for fear of collapsing over, without any regards as to where my wandering hands may go.... poor ben. i am so sorry. i knew what i was doing and did not want to, but i was powerless to stop myself. it was terrible. i vow to remain high but sober in the future - that way, it achieves the best state to dance fluidly.

sorry ben. the poor dude got terrorized and psychologically scarred by me. but i have to say, he is one of the few straight guys that i have seen that can move quite well. the others can't move for nuts even if their balls depended on them. tsk. ben was good.

all set for another low key day tomorrow. hopefully i can find a suitable template and do up my blog!

where is home?

i wanted to walk back out of the apartment the moment i stepped in.

the look of contempt on his face. his hatred for me... partially hidden by that half hearted smile. you know, i see right through you. you don't want me back. fact is, i'm back so suck it in and live with it. don't be a wuss puss and claim i show you black faces on your blog. you know you're one fucking liar. now, why should i even show you the decency i once did. either way, i still get bitched about.

i know i am bigger than this.

what is home? where is home?

i have lost sight of what once grounded me. what is family in singapore? what is my security in perth? do i honestly belong nowhere? i will find my way around, in time. the people keeping me sane, please don't let go of me. you know who you are. i'm still taking baby steps.

sloshed.

the alcoholic in me once again rears its ugly head.

i have been good the past semester. and it was clearly reflected in my grades. ok lah, my grades aren't fantastic, but it's been my best run at uni so far. the unit i expected to poop, i cleared. finally snagged my first ever high distinction in the process too. congrats rach.

hence, i've decided indulge myself in my first love. got saboed by my 'bro', kor and cedric on my birthday. waterfall, flaming labo and glasses of whiskey coke. end result? rach gone with the wind. the next round of binge drinking saw me at the members area of zouk on friday with sir jeff and tommy. 'ta', 'ta', 'ta'.. is all i can remember jeff saying. between the 3 of us, we cleared 6 jugs of vodka crystal (aka bubble tea). while in bliss land, i ran into colin (from num), ken (my kor's ex friend), lindy (from keppel) and good old mimi.

i promise to be good the next semester as well.

karma works. what goes around comes around. *he didn't do well. damn, his grades are embarrassing despite his qualifications and the invaluable help rendered. tsk. it only goes to show that, if you stay true to yourself and hold your head up, God will reward you and punish those who have been two-faced and arrogant.

sorry that i'm taking quite a fair bit of time to load my 21st photos. i promise that when the new blog layout is done up, the photos will too be up.

as the hour of doom approaches, the burden in my heart is getting heavier. it's tiring trying to be a big girl.

but i will hang in there.

08 07 07. i'm 21.

the beginning of the end.

after 3 years, i have finally decided to move on. it's painful shutting down a blog which has seen the best and the worst of you, the tears, jeers and cheers of my life. it's tough.

but i'm tired. tired of chasing the elusive peace, happiness and stability i yearn for, only to be let down time and time again. so i'm moving on.

i'm 21. a big girl now. and big girls don't cry.

i had a smashing 21st. despite the few hiccups i stumbled. but thanks to korkor, mark and cedric who all played an active role in sorting them out for me.

and the after party. what can i say.

let the photos do the talking.

to the people that matter most to me, you guys are what defines me. the support, friendship and love - indeed, the love you take is equal to the love you make.