"you've been such a good girl."

ok.... so i am an avid fan of House, this medical tv series which i follow religiously every wednesday at 8.30pm. all the routine medical procedures... never quite seem that daunting to me, other than for those oh-so-cool neurosurgeries that's kind of fascinating to watch on tv, but not quite so if you are the drillee (the one being drilled in the head).

so like, when i think of mri scans, i think about dr chaste/foreman/cameron telling the patient to hold very still while they go into this tube-like thing for what appears to be mere seconds. big deal, i thought, when my consultant, a dr hewitt, scheduled me for one. i rocked up to charlies (sir charles gardner hospital) @ 7.15a.m, 15 minutes early for my "phototaking" appointment. however, after changing into every fashionista's dream outfit, the shapeless faded hospital pjs... i had 2nd thoughts about this whole mri thing. the nurse instructed me to lie on this bed, very very still. she informed me that my whole self (and not just the knee, which i'd originally thought) was going to go into the mri machine for 30 minutes. and when i lay down on the mri bed, i realised this tunnel this was really really narrow. i started to freak. big time.

for those who don't know, i am severely claustrophobic. i think my housemate is the only one who has witnessed firsthand me reacting to such a fear before. he had bundled me in his quilt with no outlet to breathe or move. i went berserk, screaming, yelling, punching him to let me go. i was dizzy with fear. and having to go into the mri machine..... reignited that fear. my heart was pulpitating really fast/hard as i struggled to gasp for air. and this, mind you, wasn't even with me in the machine yet.

the nurse gave me this buzzer thing to squeeze to inform her to stop, should i not want to continue with the procedure. this is because, when i am in the machine, it makes these fairly loud banging noises and she wouldn't be able to hear me even if i yelled. i was also provided headphones to listen to enya to partially shut off the noise. i was terrified. she tried her best to get me comfortable, because i am suppose to hold "very very still" for 30minutes.

after much fretting, i sucked it in and told her i was ready. ok, like who was i trying to kid. anyone could see i was about to cry. anyways, i tried shutting my eyes. but i guess the fear of being in a very narrow tubular thing with the ceiling of the machine centimetres away from my face was overwhelming. while the nurse consoled me by saying "aren't you lucky you're tiny? most of my patients are much bigger than you! imagine what space they will have inside?" still..... i didn't think it was much consolation.

the banging noises started. i got more than petrified. the more i tried to keep "very very still", the more i started to tremble, with fear. my whole body, including the scanned knee in question, started shaking. in my mind, i was screaming "be still! i don't wanna do this again..." but this wa really a situation of body over mind. since i could move my arms, i started to support myself on the sides of the mri machine, hopping it will stablise my body. it didn't work. i was close to being hysterical. but i kept telling myself "rach, got to be a big girl. suck it in. like you are trying to suck everything else in..."

finally. after 30 minutes of banging noises, the machine stopped and the nurse finally uttered those long awaited words "it's over". i have never felt as much relief as this in a very long time... not even when it was my final day of exams or on the day my exam results were released. as the machine spat me out, the nurse saw the fear on my face, my beady eyes wide open in shock.... i was still trembling. while i was triumphant that i managed to see through this seemingly small procedure, i still felt like a small girl at the end of the day. and i don't know why. maybe i have this image of little me.... aged 3, holding my mum's skirt hiding from everyone, fearful of strangers and anything really. it was that child-like fear and panic that surfaced today.

and then the nurse turned and said to me "it's all done. you have been such a good girl."

when my time on earth is up, i would like to know that after all that had been said and done, i had run the race and kept the faith. and that i had been a good girl.