what is my potential?

ok, so this is just the first week of uni. and i have crappy timetables. in order to minimise the fugliness of my timetable, i decided to pay my money,banking and the financial markets lecturer a lil visit, in order to try and slot myself into my desired tutorial slot. he's kinda like this huge guy, with a very odd accent (i suspect he's german or something) and i was just hopping to just nip into his office and nip out all in 2 minutes.

i ended up staying in his office for 30minutes. here is the defining bit of the convo:

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me: hey dr weber.. i was just wondering if i can change my tutorial timing from thursday 2pm to wednesday 11am because i am overloading and it's hard to arrange my timetable to fit both the law and economics faculty.

dr weber (takes one long hard look at me): vhy do you vant to overload? overloading usually means lower grades because u vot less time for each subject. law and economics iz a good combination, i see in you the potential to do honours in economics. and you should focus on vorking to getting honours.
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like omg, have i ever thought about pursuing an honours in economics? hell no. firstly, my grades aren't outstanding enough to make me a potential candidate for such an offer. and, even if i could qualify for honours, i don't wish to add another year of slavery to what is already a 6 year suicide hellride. lastly, i don't have such great ambitions that most people have. really.

somewhere along the exchange between dr weber and i, he said to me that he usually do not recommend honours to any random student unless he sense competency and ability in the student. so... this means, he THINKS i am capable of being that high-achiever he envisages working in top executive positions in banks. and this opinion was formed.... just by him noticing me in our first lecture and that 1 minute when i walked into his consultation room.

now, this gets me thinking. do i exlude that air of confidence, competency to the people around me such that they recognise some hidden potential in me that i don't even know exist? honestly, i have always said, people give me too much credit than what i rightfully deserve. i am just a normal chick slogging away at a bloody tough course because i didn't know better. i am not some genius nor bookworm.

but yet, could it be that i am possibly underestimating myself? i don't know.. see, potential is a funny thing. alot of times, its hard for someone to accurately assess how much potential he/she has, despite the fact that everyone knows themselves best, their limitations, strengths and weaknesses. often enough, the people i have come across either overestimate their potential, bite off more than they can chew or swallow, OR they think they are just liabilities to society. therefore, it takes an objective outsider to recognise the inner capability in you. it's almost like when we were in primary/secondary school, teachers often write in my report card (known as progress card in australia) "rachel is a meticulous, hardworking girl with a lot of potential to succeed in the future." what is this based on? my grades in school? how i behave in school? i suppose its their observations that lead them to such conclusions.

i sound like i am contradicting myself. while i am critical of people assessing their own potential, yet i don't really welcome people assessing mine. maybe i just have enough on my plate right now to really think i have the capacity to stomach "bigger and better" things that may be possibly offered to me.

this incident reminds me of another time when i was at high school some years back. we were have a senior year talk by our principle and he was talking about the importance of assuming leadership roles, this was in line with elections for our student council in which i eventually was a member of. my principle started giving examples, he pointed to our student council president, mark, and said "look at mark, he is eloquent and charming... a future hot-shot lawyer in the making. and max, our star in our annual drama....." after that, my principle droned on about how each student should maximise their potential, both academically and non-academically, such as to achieve success in the future.

suddenly, his loud voice boomed "rachel, will you stand up for me please?" like omg. someone just dig a hole for me to hide my head. i thought he had caught me texting under the chair. ok, i am the only rachel in this cohort, dammit, it is me he wants. grudgingly, i stood out. "now.... rachel has been actively involved in her TAG group (class), been on the honour roll and has held leadership roles in her previous schools. she is harnessing her potential and pushing it to new limits. and i believe she may very well go on to be the first female prime minister of Australia."

i gagged. like, seriously. in front of my whole senior cohort. its like, what do you expect me to say?? i didn't know whether to be flattered or just embarrassed. i just parked my ass back down on the chair and buried myself in my jumper. first female prime minister of australia? like what the fuck. firstly, i ain't australian, it isn't even remotely plausible. next, i am in no way eloquent/charismatic and i am definitely not arrogant enough to boast about the great things i have done or intend to do for the greater good of the country. hell no.

enough rambling. drawing back to establishing my agenda for this post, i have all these people, educators as i call them, who all see something in me that i can't quite recognise, from primary school all the way to university. i am hesitant to acknowledge this elusive 'potential' because it seems like every step of the way, i am already thinking that i am bitting off more than i can swallow and am struggling. so any greater ambitions, to me, is like xiaxue making it to hollywood - i.e. impossible and utterly ridiculous.

perhaps if i really did decide to quit school and become a bummer, i would be severely wasting some of the capabilities i have been blessed with - so a wake up call by anyone wld have been good. but honestly, i don't think i am doing too badly now and to me, this is maximising my recognised potential. to ask anymore from me, is like asking me to drop 8kg - nice thought of the outcome if successful, but not going to happen.

i won't say i am happy being the current slave maniac, but i think i am doing fairly decent in hanging on.