indifference is the new bliss.

there will be 2 posts today simply because i forgot what i wanted to type in the first post. now that i suddenly remembered what i set out to establish in post no. 1, here is post no. 2.

i think mark and jeff will be proud of me. for someone with remarkably low self-esteem, i have to say, i reckon i have done pretty well these few weeks. i never thought i would be able to overcome all those terrible feelings i was going through last semester, being burdened by the shit going on around me. that betrayal, hurt, anger and shame. i was a living wreck last sem. i thought it's gonna be a while before i can stomach it. but i have presently surprised myself this time around.

i have reached the stage of indifference. i'm not happy, definitely not. but neither am i the wreck i once was. i am learning to let go. it's a good feeling. it's one of those things that we, the emotionals, struggle to comprehend and manage every day. the pain, hurt and all still remains, it won't go away.... but learning to suck it in and keep myself in stride at a good pace is probably the most pertinent object i have in mind now. and my baby steps into being a big girl is going well.

i suppose i don't see the necessity of bitching about *him anymore. i could if i wanted to. you'll see paragraphs and paragraphs of useless ranting... ranting which wouldn't change anything. a leopard never changes its spots. just like some things just don't change. i don't expect it to anyway. i got to get on with my life, somewhat, despite having the permanent thorn in my flesh, metophorically speaking. and i will.

i look around me and i see all the problems my loved ones face... i was so blindsighted by my own foolishness to not acknowledge everyone else's. this time, it's gonna be different.

D will be looking down, and proud.