Tuesday, October 09, 2007

one last post for the road

List out your top 5 birthday presents you wish for:

1) that samsung phone the ultra edition one...
2) a beemer
3) an apartment in the city
4) pupillage with drew&napier
5) peace in my life

Answer the following questions:

1. The person/people who tagged you is/are?
* queenin

2. Your relationship with him/her is…
* friends.

3. Your 5 impressions of him/her…
* quiet
* selfless
* too idealistic
* hardworking
* a loving girlfriend.

4. The most memorable thing he/she had done for you…
* um. being a good friend to me.

5. The most memorable words he/she had said to you…
* cannot remember.

6. If he/she becomes your lover, he/she will…
* make an awesome lesbo partner.

7. If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be…
* love herself more.

8. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will…
* bite her head off.

9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be…
* too selfless.

10. The most desired thing you want to do for him/her now is…
* love herself more.

11. Your overall impression of him/her is…
* that of a true friend.

12. How you think people around you feel about you?
* i am the epitome of a fat cat.

13. The characteristics that you love of yourself are…
* gosh, i don't quite know now.

14. On the contrary, the characteristics that you hate of yourself are…
* greedy, lazy, sarcastic.

15. The most ideal person you want to be is…
* it use to be my dad. now i don't know.

16. For people that care and like you, say something to them…
* thanks.

17. Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wish to know how they feel about you…(in order of my blogroll in the new blogsite)
1. carolyn
2. chun
3. ced
4. gerald
5. jeff
6. jem
7. jie hua
8. mark bro
9. omar
10. terrance

Who is No.6 having relationship with?
* he's single at the moment i think.

Is No.9 a male or female?
* male.

If No.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
* i suppose. means both turned gay.

How about No.8 and 5?
* oh nono! my prince and my knight? hell no.

What is No.2 studying?
* marketing at smu.

When was the last time you had a chat with No.3?
* a few days ago i suppose.

What kind of music band does No.8 like?
* house! moto blanco and freemasons.. yeah!

Does No.1 have any siblings ?
* a younger sister and brother

Will you woo No.3 ?
* yes. we have a marriage pact.

How about No.7 ?
* omg. what a thought.

Is No.4 single ?
* single.

What is the surname of no.5?
* ng.

What is the nickname of no.10?
* i don't know but he calls himselg cerranet on his blog.

What is the hobby of no.4?
* bowling. singing.

Do no.5 and 9 get along well?
* they don't know each other.

Where is no.2 studying at?
* told you. smu.

Talk something casually about no.1?
* the sweetest and most kind hearted.

Have you tried developing feelings for no.8?
* incestry!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

relocation.

i have moved.

this will be closed shortly.

new blog address will be advised shortly.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

a stroll down matilda bay (and memory lane)

i feel so safe and secure in your arms... for a moment, i imagine myself transported back to a time when it was just you and i. and no one else. us in our little own world.

just you and me.

but just walk away, don't turn around. i don't want you to see me cry.

footy fever @ the mustang

footy fever!
introducing georgie porgie!!
hans, george and me!!
han and i cam whoring
can you believe that my knee ligament was torn (again!) when we took this photo??

Friday, September 28, 2007

surf 'n' turf!

i never thought i'll say this but it seems like i am getting alot more viewership on this blog then i had anticipated. and to the latest viewer of the blog, terrance, hello you. like i have a choice you're reading this. do you know what it is? you are too kaypo for your own good. thats right. and i don't like that. because curiosity kills the puss.

that aside, things haven't been going too well @ uni. something i do not wish to rant and rave about. but lets just say that it's really NOT going well. sigh.

i have been seeing someone alot. someone of the past actually. unfortunately, its not jem. fortunately, its someone who is probably quite familiar to alot of you. maybe years ago, it wasn't the right time then but it seems like time has done us both heaps of good and we are getting alot more like-minded in terms of actions, speech, values and character. in hindsight, thats pretty scary hey. but boy, thanks for the dinner on wed. it was awesome.

he brought me to satisfy my steak craving, where i had surf'n'turf - steak with scallops and prawns in a brandy cream sauce. after which, we shared baci cake, tiramisu and a latte. now, that is awesomeness! *drool* i was a happy camper. and he looked so good that night. such a stark contrast to his scruffy jeans and tee. nevertheless, i'm liking it. =)

been thinking too much for my own good. i never knew i was able to attract a guy. but when i do, suddenly the prospect of dating someone scares me. which shouldn't be the case. if you guys know me well enough, i was born to be faithful and married at a tender age. hell, i wanted to get married when i was 18. call me naive, but it's been a childhood dream to just find that right person, not mucking around, get married and wake up to him for the right of my life. i simply couldn't ask for more. even then, it appears i demand too much.

life experiences have taught me to think twice, thrice. if possible, never contemplate it ever again. after all the bitterness has set in, i should just scrape that that idealism altogether.

now, love and marriage is overrated in my eyes.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

devoid of emotion.

dear mum,

what upheaval there has been in our lives lately. the filthy little secrets come splashing out. the anger, the hurt, the shame, the betrayal.... how much pain we must feel. for you, you only know barely half my woes. do i want to share with you the trauma i've sucked in the past six months? no, because you will not be able to withstand the damage done to your daughter.

you asked me during my trip back to singapore "why are you so emotionless about everything that has happened?" i know that you know me - i was like you, an emotional. one who wears her emotions on her sleeve, cries when she needs to and vents her frustrations without holding back. mum, i've changed.

your precious daughter is now frozen rock solid. she wants to cry, kick up a fuss like a little princess would, with the unshed tears mounting within her, but yet she just stares with impassive eyes as she sucks in more shit thrown at her. her pain and suffering becomes buried under her layers of fat, unknown to everyone. she tells no one of her problems - what can they do? who can she trust? nothing changes in the end. the damage has been done.

mum, i wasn't like this before. i was bubbly and cheery. more importantly, i was sure of myself. i drank responsibly, i gave my best in every piece of assignment i did. then, why am i partying every weekend, submitting half-hearted papers i don't know fuckshit about, deferring exams and seeking special consideration?

honestly, i don't know either.

maybe my priorities have changed. or maybe i've just lost sight of what my priorities are. i'm tired.

i use to think it was curse to be emotionless. to not care, to not bother. while i continue suffering in silence, i quite like the cold person i have become.

all it takes is the person you love, respect and idolise the most in this world to let you down. big time.

with all my love,
your little rascal mousey, baby.

Monday, September 24, 2007

irresistable friday nights

the nurse uniform is too cute to leave it in the wardrobe!
the super adorable stand-in lead for the night. poor justin! we missed you.

having fun at the mustang! han got lucky 3 times!
everyone having a wicked time.. hehe, except mimi who looks a little worse for wear though.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

to the point of no return - short story part 1

i spy with my beady little eyes, his large puppy dog eyes, urban cropped hair and clean jawline. oooooo.... and that cheeky impish grin, how can i resist? his high school uniform casually semi-tucked out, the crisp ironed shirt hanging perfectly from his broad shoulders. i can imagine running my hands gently gripping his hips and then gradually running it on his immaculately-formed abs. oh, what a fine specimen you are, i thought.

he caught me staring at him from a distance, while pretending to watch my friend, brandon, stuff his face with corndogs in feign interest. he furrowed his brows for a fleeting moment, before breaking into that lets-jump-in-bed cheeky grin. i felt the tips of my ears getting hot, and probably red too. i twiddled the hemp of my skirt nervously, glanced down at a piece of gum stuck on the pavement.

no, this is too rude. look up, rach!! shame on you, rach. there you are imagining God's gift to girls (and i definitely mean girls) and his blessed assets but the moment he smiles at you, you get all coy!

before i could look up, i felt a tap on my shoulder. i swung around clumsily, catching him squarely in his chest. oh God, what a way to start a possible relationship of physical intimacy. "hello" he mouthed. did i mention that he is much taller closer up than from my distant admiring? a good 5'11 i reckon. "hi there," i said with sudden great difficulty. "cat got your tongue?" he joked as a half-smile revealed the faint lines of developing crows feet. oh my goodness, have i ever mentioned that i am a sucker for males with crows feet? to me, those dimpled lines define the epitome of manliness.

"no, actually puss did" crap, did i really say that? thankfully, he threw his head back and chucked, pushing his hands deeper in his school pants pocket.

"i'm ryan, currently at christ church grammar school. what's yours?"

"rachel. and do you really think i am in high school?"

"st hilda's girls school?"

"ryan, my boy, i am in fourth year at UWA studying law and economics. i am 21." i studied his facial expression intensely. his cool hazelnut brown eyes bore into him. he didn't flinch. i did the math in my head - if he was a senior at christ church grammar, that makes him 16. fuck, thats illegal enough.

i can't have him. i just can't. but his lucious pink lips seem to mock me as i gaze at them contorting out "melodies of sweet sound".

he absentmindedly stuck out his right hand and caught a stray strand of my long fringe covering my face and tucked it behind my mickey mouse ears. "i'm in year ten", he said.

my mind spun out of control. that can't be it. he's 14. what are you thinking, rach? paedophilic tendencies are girlfriend jokes to the extent that you do not cross that fine line - that separates criminal paedophilics from the mere commonfolk that "just happen to be attracted to younger love interests".

it has to end right here. right now. or i will be hooked to him like i was once hooked unto nutella. a bottle a week just was not enough. i needed incrementally larger doses of nutella to satisfy my addiction as the weeks wore on. and honestly, between me and you, it is not difficult to be crave ryan. to yearn for him.

he is 14. i am 21. i refuse to let this spiral out of my control.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

better late than never.

10 hours before my deferred exam, the panic sets in.

finally.

only to realise that....... i haven't done the last 3 ilectures and i have no idea what half the exam is about. like what i say "no idea", i mean no fucking idea whatsoever.

hansel, my math freak cousin, can't even save my sorry ass.

geez. what the hell is stochastic processes? brownian motion (which makes me think of some by-product of the shitting process)? ito lemma - ito process? or wiener process (rhymes with weener)? and lastly a drift?

and no, a drift is not "when u apply your brake to your car and try to slide to gain maximum speed out of a corner?" as aptly defined by hansel. that i can do, and crash in the process. but that's not the point.

someone shoot me. suddenly i feel so dumb. i am a fake cheena-pok wannabe who can't speak chinese. and now, i can't do econometrics to get my fucking economics degree. i feel useless.

i swear i am going to get ZERO.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

what i went back for.


the silly court jester stole my title!
the royal family. this photo makes me smile!
gorgeous queenin and me!
my bro-in-law!!! muacks.
i spy with my little beady eyes.... some cute guy afar... i think?
i like this photo because i like the "looking up" effect. haha!
who is pointing at who?
the 2 chicks and ced's zhor dang act-cute action.
aren't they so sweet......
you have done so much for me, more than you'll ever know, bro.
acting macho i see, ced?
lub lub!
my ditsy lovable boy!

Monday, September 17, 2007

VMO "the little muscle" exercise

i didn't know what to title this post. it's such randomness again.

the one week term 'break' dropped in and left abruptly. well, such was my one week break back to singapore. a first for me to fly mid-semester. low key and unannounced, just how i like it.

it's always great to see my boys. i love them to bits.

and nothing beats spending time with mum. mum, i've got your back. some day when she learns how to use the comp, she will visit this blog site. yikes! and see my hardcore party pics. then again, she came to pick me up when i got drunk on sat.

she got me to do my hair as well. chopped it short and insisted i add red hair extensions because i am "young and should try new things before i become to old". fabutanbulistic! also no idea what word is this, just a 'rachel' word made up on the spot.

han's mum and sis took me out to dinner @ the hyatt. straits kitchen buffet..... they so want me to get fatter. and poor han, looks so tiny and frail in a size 4. bah. i stuffed my round chubby face till i couldn't walk. oops, just pretend you didn't read about me making a gluttony of myself.

oh yes. and how can i forget my newly acquired macbook and, er, 3rd hand mobile phone (a hand-me-down from my bro to my dad and then to me) - samsung i600. it's a fugly little piece of metal with a shitload of little protruding buttons. however, according to gerald, it's an expensive gadget with loads of functions i know nuts about. so i wonder why i am using it. but since i have no money to get a new mobile, which by the way is cheaper than this fugly gadget that retails @ $738, i will be grateful and make do with this. =)

i have been a naughty girl. i haven't been doing my physio. this is bad!

i have been a naughtier girl. at PLAY. and i am sorry to the boy whom i got hot with. damn, oy, you dance hot and you know we were good. while it was good fun, it was wrong. anyhow. all of us had abit too much to drink. then again, abit is an understatement. let the memory burn.

dear God, don't make me shit tonight, we run out of toilet paper. i didn't realise until 15mins ago.

nurse fashionista!

my 6 seconds worth of fame on the cheekymonkey's photosite! how wicked!

Host unlimited photos at slide.com for FREE!

Monday, September 03, 2007

hello nurse! the last installment.

bought the cutest little nurse outfit but unfortunately. none of the photos captures the bottom part. it is barely ass covering with a hot red hipster belt. and with that, nurse feel good is in the house!

ooooh, look who i got into trouble with! two policewomen! heh.

mimi and i cam-whoring. as usual.

omg. i think the guy in black is the hottest thing ever. like seriously. YUMMAY!

they love my outfit! so do i!

they like omg-so-cute!! emma, the chick next to mimi just turned 21! welcome to adulthood! (yeah right)

once again, i think the dude on the left in the dark blue jumper is heaps adorable. got this boy-boy look. (and yes, i got smashed)


the sexy bassist who took the lead vocals for a song. he has this knack for doing sexy poses, like this one.

the lead singer of the cheekymonkeys, justin! i serious think he is the beez neez!

i had so much fun. unfortunately, the fun is always tainted by ah nehs. but what to do? can't shake them off. this will be the last installment of my recent clubbing binge. it's got to stop. it's great fun but there is more to life than this. going out every weekend was just a facade, a cover-up for the shit at home. temporal ignorance is bliss, what can i say. but i know its high time to suck it up to his black face.

i love my lil nurses outfit. sorry, the photos seriously did not do it any justice. i shld post a photo of it up soon. and perhaps bring it back to singapore to have a lil feel-good fun with it! ha. if i have the balls to pull it off in conservative little singapore (no pun intended).

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

dead girl walking.

after being bed-ridden for 2 whole days and computer-less, i appreciate daytime tv so much more. bring on dr phil, oprah, ready steady cook, huey's cooking adventures!

hell yeah, what fun. as i lie in a semi-comatose position on my loveseat beanbag, i stone in front of the gogglebox.

alternatively, i stare blanking into the ceiling whilst on my bed, counting fluffy white sheep gracefully leaping over the pretty pink picket fence. that's about all the energy i can muster. all my energy has been sapped swallowing antibiotics, vile-tasting cold/flu meds, vitamins and God knows what else.

work has come to a complete standstill. while i like the idea of being the psuedo slacker, my course, unfortunately, does not warrant. however, conveniently using the lame excuse of being drugged and in a perpetual semi-retarded state, it lessens my guilt of missing class and not doing anything. besides, i lack my lappie - where ALL my notes and stuff are. how convenient. to top it off, my eyes, brain and hands aren't coordinating well at the moment.

i rest my case.

i need to go home and sleep. i dragged my wary, aching body to uni to download some stuff and collect my assignment. yes, *sigh*, i have another paper to write. on a brighter note, i am bringing it back to singapore to write.

it's raining pussies and pooches at the moment. i want to go home. now.

Monday, August 27, 2007

fish for me in the dumps.

*disclaimer: this post contains explicit material. if you think you do not like what you're going to read, please do NOT proceed further. failure to adhere to this may offend.

han and charlotte asked me to head to the mustang with them. how can i say no?

abeit the dramas that unfolded prior to entering, we finally managed to get in!

han all excited when we saw evan, whom she affectionately nicknamed "middie" (after the photo i'd snapped with him and his best mate last week)

charlotte and i with ben.

give bro a run for his money at the mighty mark pose.

isn't he a cutie?

han with nick.

its been a while since i've last drunk so much. my favourite long island tea and 4 bottles of corona. you heard me right, i had mexican tapwater. but whatever takes you to your happy land. however, the problem that comes with that is what if you make all the wrong calls because of your distorted judgment? i swore that if a situation similar to that of hustler didi's ever arose again, i will do the exact opposite so as not to bear any regrets.

let's just say what happens in vegas stays in vegas. but whatever call i'd made, i thought i wouldn't regret it because it was the exact decision that would not have left me aggrieved with hustler didi. i was wrong. my call was, once again, way off track this time. argh, the irony. the fucking irony.

on a totally different note altogether, i'd a mail from the uwa business school on thursday, something i'd never received. naturally, i thought that i was in trouble.

uwa business school... i'm not even in the commerce faculty! , my ass belong to the economics dept.


if you can't see properly... look again! what a pleasant surprise.

for all you cock eye people (talking about myself as well).

well, what can i say other than i am stoked? mere 10 hours of cramming pre-exam. woot.

now for the fucked up news. my laptop has given up on me. hence, i am coming to you live from the uwa biosciences library. i have no fucking idea why my laptop crashed but other than the fact that now i ams everely handicapped. all my law notes and photographs are there. notes that need to get me through my exams and pictures that have encapsulated 4 years worth of memories. bahh. hoping to find someone here who can fix it up. if not, got to bring it back to singapore to see if bro has the time and is able to fix it up for me.

in the meantime, i will be missing in action. at the moment, i'm running a temperature as well. have blocked nose, throat inflammation, weak and aching body, dizziness and phlegm-laden cough. dammit. someone carry me to the doctor.

Friday, August 24, 2007

2003hr

i should be getting ready. getting ready to head out.

it's been one week since that fateful night. how time flies. it's friday.... and mustang time. to shake it loose and party with the cheeky monkeys. and with hustler didi.

but i'm at home, sitting on my bed in my pJs, banging away on the keyboard, frustrated and tired. i'm not going because mimi has exams/work to do - she is my party babe. i'm not going because i'm tired and ill. i'm not going because i need to sever that soul ties binding me to hustler didi. i'm not going because i feel fat. correction, i am fat.

i am just trying to convince myself why i'm not there.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

jem.

我知道你我都没有错
只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给的承诺
全被时间扑了空

我知道我们都没有错
只是放手比较好过
最美的爱情回忆里带去

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

poop! plop!

partyy girl in hibernation, the inner geek pushing in full force.

yours truly is (s)experiencing (yeah right...) 'verbal' diarrhoea in motion, i.e. shitting 2,000 words in 24 hours.

i wonder why, i partied the whole weekend away when i was suppose to be writing this 30% paper. while this unit 'law of evidence' is engaging- looking at trial procedure, cross examination of witnesses/accused, credibility, identification/opinion/character/documentary evidence - it is hell hard to make my case.

come on woman, unleash the tigresss lawyer instincts.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

bom chickah wah wah.

couldn't think of any apt title for my post of randomness so this is taken off some lynx deodourant tv advertisement which is bloody hilarious.

randomness:
1. do not jump out of the frying pan into the fire - daddy wisdom
2. grey undies do not show themselves under white pants.
3. a shart is when shit comes out along with a fart, unintentionally.
4. ithyphallophobia - fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
5. viagra makes you hard, but not necessarily horny.
6. ask teenagers when they still know everything.
7. ignorance is bliss. if you do NOT like what you read, don't read it. don't judge me just because you think you know me. if you do, might as well make it known here.
8. i admit i am paedophilic. thankfully, i haven't cross into the illegal realm of it. YET.

someone amuse me. and pamper me. my mobile has committed suicide and died on me. :(

Monday, August 20, 2007

baby, you have become my addiction.

friday nights @ the mustang bar - mimi and i usually get on our lesbo act, letting loose, dancing provocatively while fending off dirty old men and ah nehs (sorry, we just cannot help it that we're racist). drinks, good music, bloody fun. we never get it on with others, the hotties are always taken or shooting pool *sob to the dark blue jumper blonde*. but we're just happy minding our own business.

friday night, i finally got it on with someone. lets call him hustler didi (because his older brother wore a teeshirt that says HUSTLER the week before). before we talk about didi, let's talk about hustler korkor first. mimi and i noticed korkor the week before (when he was wearing his infamous teeshirt). or rather, hustler korkor noticed us. tall, chiselled, piercing eyes with a penetrating stare and a tone bod i could just eat. he came over to shake his bon bon with us but left when BIGGER fish came along (like omg-size 16 fatties). i noticed hustler didi and his friends, mole boy (for obvious reasons why we nicknamed him), fugly jumper guy and dreadlock boy. didi bears a startling resemblence to korkor, except he is shorter, a lil scrawnier and more boyboy looking. i know what you guys are thinking - rach likes!

actually we didn't bother about them the week before. but friday.... they noticed us again and swamp us like flies as mimi and i strutted our stuff. hustler korkor tried to pull some moves on the both of us but i wasn't intending to get it on with him, too much of a man whore. suddenly a hand creeps around my waist. and as hustler didi (right then, i hadn't confirmation that they were related) was nowhere in my sight, i suspected didi. so i thought "ok...... nevermind, just continue dancing. probably a man whore like korkor. shake him off later." didi was quite shy so we just contined on like this for a while.

mimi ended up with mole boy after hustler korkor disappeared somewhere. mole boy was making the most of his opportunity with mimi, not showing her any respect and asked her a whopping 10 times for a headie in the bathroom (i.e. blowjob). i wasn't too happy about it so i kept pulling her close to me. but she somehow always got separated from me and pushed around between mole boy, dreadlock boy and hustler korkor, who had then returned. while i know mimi enjoyed her time with hustler korkor, korkor kept asking her to go with him to the bathroom as well. she was not happy. this happened over an hour or so.

throughout this time, hustler didi had already "claimed" me as his, so everyone left us alone, and we were good. he learn fast. if he tried to pull something i wasn't comfy with, he wldn't do it again. and he stuck with me. if i needed to use the bathroom, he'll let me but when i am done, he came back to me, staying close to me. by then, i had already confirmed he is indeed hustler's didi. didi was very protective of me, to the extent that his immaturity showed. say, in a crowded pub, people are bound to be pushed around. someone shoved me hard unintentionally. hustler didi, without thinking, shoved that guy back even harder with one hand, the other arm around tightly around me, and demanded this WWE-lookalike guy to apologise to me. like OMG. for a minute, i swear a fight was gonna occur. thankfully, nothing happened. mimi, charlotte and han thinks it's sweet but really... thats immaturity to the max. he could have landed himself in hosp.
i wore an off shoulder top that night and it kept slipping down. after initially trying to be funny with me and realising it was a no go, each time my top slipped down, he would gently pull it back up to my shoulder and re-adjust it for me - won mimi and i over. brownie points. and i knew throughout the 4hrs we were together, he was in dire need of bathroom help - but its either because he is shy or alot more respectful, he never shot me such a request.

in the end, he got into a scuffle with korkor and friends. korkor and friends wanted to move on to another club. he didn't wanna go. korkor and friends kept harassing him to leave a couple of times, but he refused. they tried dragging him away from him and demanding he leaves with them - but he kept coming back to me. and left them to their destination. i couldn't believe it. i just couldn't. i expected him to just get it on with 3-5 girls at any one time, like hustler korkor.

the night ended a tad too soon. hustler didi asked me where i was heading to. i said "home". he begged me to go paramount with him. i turned him town flatly. 8 times. to me, even if i went to paramount, what would happen there? nothing. he might as well find himself another girl there. i know didi isn't as hot as korkor, but he isn't too bad. life goes on. me going to paramount wouldn't change anything - we'll still go separate ways at the end of the day. then i asked him a question i have been wanting to ask the whole night, hopping he will prove me wrong. but he didn't. he gave me the exact answer i anticipated, what his korkor and friends would have said. and then we parted ways. he looked back after he crossed the road. and waited for mimi and i to cross the road. but i couldn't bear to look at him nor head in his direction. we walked in the opposite direction. that's how it's gonna be. everyone asked me why didn't i get his number. but look, with friends and a brother like that, committment is not on their mind. its a lay lay. a quickie. and thats it. and i don't just mean relational committment. i don't think they want contact with the girls they have got it on with, dance wise or more. when the night is over, it's over.
___________________
the aftermath conseqences was alot more impactful than i could have ever imagined. i thought that i'll sleep on it and thats it. but hustler didi haunted my mind. he was shy and respectful to me throughout the whole night. he wasn't like hustler korkor and friends, but yet he was also like that. oxymoron huh.

it almost seems to me like he is a good boy gone bad, given his influences. he tries hard to emulate them, but yet there is still alot of decency in him. when i looked into his eyes (which was that one and only time before we parted ways), i thought i was looking at a reflection of me. like a wounded puppy, but sure where to go. lost, confused, doing all the wrong things despite knowing they are wrong, yearning for affection, intimacy but scared of the costs that will come with it, trying to find footing on stable ground but having a warp vision of what 'stable' is. thats hustler didi. and thats me.

i truly want to believe there is more to him than this. maybe he will prove me wrong this time, when i don't want him to. but for now, we wouldn't know. i can't shake hustler didi off my head. it's almost like i want to do a mother theresa - turning a wayward good boy good again. we all know that's a myth. girls have this idea that they will be the one who tames the wild boy. but honestly, how often does it happen? neither can i shake off the fun i have at mustang bar. i yearn to go back for more. and possibly, just possibly, bump into hustler didi again. i may do things different the next time.

mustang bar. hustler didi. mustang bar. hustler didi. baby, you have become my addiction.

you deserve alot more credit than anyone will give you.